Hi everyone! We are closer to the big, giant, scary monster known as A-levels. Everyone is starting to feel the stress and tensions are rising. (Hope we can make it through this). But surprisingly, I think that the bulk of my stress comes from elsewhere, weird isn't it? But I feel that I should correct certain things in my life as they are starting to affect the other aspects in my world.
Well, I think the most pressing thing is my emotional and mental problems. I just found out one thing that I thought I eradicated from my system. I am still afraid to lose things, to people, friends and a lot of other things. Maybe this is why I blocked out my emotions in the first place. Maybe it was also the first emotion I encountered when I went looking for them. But this time it feels different. In the past I would debate with myself if I should be feeling this way. But now I am certain on what I want to keep close to me.
Let me tell you guys a story about a boy who felt so alone even when he knew there were friends who were there to help him. When he was young, he was violent and reckless. Doing whatever that came to his mind, participating in the many playful antics that some would now call mischievous or even dangerous. He lived only for himself and never spared a thought for others. But somehow, he possessed the gift of drawing others towards him. He got along well with his friends most of the time, even if they could not stand his tantrums or demands. He could manipulate and talk his way through many sticky situations. He was fun to be with and was always the centre of attention.
That took a change when he first laid eyes on what he felt was the most ravishing girl in his school. He started thinking for others, started to be nice and understanding. He even made gifts from his own hand to impress the girl. But alas, the dark nature was still very much within him. He was still rebellious and arrogant and when he saw his gifts unappreciated or disposed, he got hurt. For the first time, he felt the sharp arrow of rejection and worthlessness penetrate his heart. He could not explain it but to him, it was the worst feeling in the world.
As the boy grew older, he learned more about life. Although he had just tasted the tip of sorrow and despair, it was just the beginning. When he was 11, the enraged beast within him met its match. Flanked from all sides by parents and teachers alike, they brought forth the wrath of the whip of punishment and the words of discipline. With the wound from the arrow, the knights of maturity showed the beast fear, sorrow and defeat. Never has he felt so helpless nor received so much pain. When the knights left, the boy stared up into the clouds and saw a city within it. A place filled with happiness and joy, freedom and security. There in the sanctuary, he reflected on his sins of the past. How foolish he had been to not see the trail of destruction he left behind him.
As the days passed, the boy saw more of the world. More than he could before the strength within him was sapped from his bones. He realised what was important was not himself, but others. To give and not to take. To help and not to bring harm. To forgive and not to seek revenge. He stared at himself in the mirror and decided that he shall be arrogant no longer.
It took him days, months to suppress his emotions. To control his behaviour and not to react when he was angry or scared. It was painful and depressing, to go against what you are, to define a new person. But eventually, through the guidance of the knights that challenged him, he beast was tamed.
But it still lived within his deepest thoughts and played with his heart...
To be continued....
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